Priorities, it's like an obsession...

Did anyone catch the press conference of the secretaries of everything on CNN? I thought it was kind of weird that so many people who need food, shelter, sanitation, water, and evacuation and the first thing that they talk about is loosening the restrictions on gas refining so that gas prices will stabilize(at their current prices i wouldn't call it stability). I understand the need for gasoline for emergency vehicles and such but why now? The spokesman for the weather service predicted EXACTLY what was going to happen with Hurricane Katrina when it was off the coast of Florida. CNN would have little blurbs about The President's thoughts on opening up the Strategic Oil Reserves: The President is considering, he's mulling, The President is expected to.... I understand that the oil reserves are an important asset that should be used sparingly. But what were they expecting to happen? Optimism is grand and i know that no one can predict the future, but what about past lessons? And all the warnings prior? Oh well, it's a shame but at least now the people are starting to get the help they need.

Doodlings by the artist....

I hope you like this little doodle I did of Das Hammer's profile pic.

Lost in the woods, and then an African Festival...

Today my stepfather and i went out to see a lot that interested him and my mother. It was out in the boonies. There was a class 6 road that led to the lot. It was 15.26 acres in area, with 11 of those acres being what i would call "wild". It wasn't a bad drive, and the day was kind of cool. We parked the car in a "driveway" and set off on foot to see the lot. We got to it and an old man was walking into a shed that was on the property and he was muttering to himself. We approached him and asked questions about the lot. He got kinda angry and told us the guy across the way was selling it. So we walked over and had a chat with Ted. He was a nice guy, a retired airline pilot with a huge RV and he was getting ready to go off on an adventure. He walked us back to the lot and told us the general boundaries of it.

It is a meadow on one end and a marsh on the other and wild woods in between. The meadow was really nice and it smelled really good. Like Nag Champa but woodier. Ted said that there was a pretty island on the other end where the marsh is located but you'd need a boat to go to it since the marsh water is neck deep. We scoffed and dared him to challenge us again. We told Ted that we'd like to take a walk around and see the property.
"Okay but you should take a compass," Ted said.
"I'm used to walking in the wild," My stepfather's exact words were. And so we set off. Down the gentle slope of the meadow to the edge of the treeline.

We entered into the woods and just barged right into the depths of it. It reminded me of some scene from the Dark Crystal, or Krull. The further we went in the darker it got. We trudged on and on. Going in deeper and deeper. We got to a stone wall and past it we could see slick muddy marshy lands. My stepfather has a habit of thinking idealistically about living in nature and understanding the land and so on so forth. He decided to follow the stone wall. Through ferns and branches and spiderwebs and rocky outcroppings. We ventured on like old trappers from times best forgotten.

"Let's go back...", My stepfather says after losing his bearings. "Which way should we go?" He asks. "That way," I stated, because i have a good sense of direction and i had kept my bearing.
"Okay then, lead the way." The landscape got wierder and wierder. "I don't remember this..." He said, the slight flutter of panic quavering in his voice. "Don't worry, it's this way" confidence. After about twenty feet: "No it's this way, there's a clearing over there," he changes course. I let him lead and follow him. "Oh i guess it isn't this way, got any ideas?" he asks. "Yeah let's head back thisaway," I point back to my original heading. "Okay then lead the way," thank you... About another thirty or forty feet: "There's a clearing over there! It's lighter there!" He starts bounding through the brush like a virgin deer. "Oh... I think we're lost.." no you are. "No it's this way,"; "Okay then, lead the way." And so i did. This was repeated another five times.

I started snickering. Trying to hold in my laughter about my stepfather's love for clearings and his constant need to turn to the left. I felt like dashing off, but that would have been really mean. He looked at me with irritation. "We're loooooost.." He tried to straighten me out. "No we're not it's this way," i repeated. We got to another clearing and i could sense the panic starting to rise. I started to question myself too. Was I lost? Was I going to have to bludgeon my stepfather and live off his meats? Was I going to have to become a wildman again? No. We trundled on the heading I suggested. The trees were starting to clear and my stepfather made a turn to the left. He quickly crashed through the plants and came out the other side in the meadow we had started in, except on the neighbours property. I walked out laughing wildly like a deranged squirrel. "If you followed me we would have come out where we came in!" I teased him. "I thought we were lost!" he said sourly. "HAHAHA!" i laughed. it was fun. I guess the lesson is: If you ever get lost don't panic, and don't get infatuated with clearings.

After that I took him and my mom out to Longhorns for some yummy steaks.
And after that we went and watched performers from Africa dance and play instruments. It was good.

Which idiot gave them guns?!?! (A story in pictures)

I would like to know your interpretation of the story.!

Antiduckites...

I think that people who use the phrase "if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck" aren't using enough parameters in deciding whether or not something is actually a duck...

So I have decided to expand on the offending phrase:
If it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck,
acts like a duck,
swims like a duck,
eats like a duck,
is attracted to the same things as a duck,
enjoys doing the same things a duck does in it's leisure time,
is turned on by ducks of the opposite sex,
or is turned on by ducks of the same sex 1/10th of the time,
eats duck food,
likes to hang out in duck social circles,
has duck friends,
has not labelled itself "chicken",
belongs to a duck political party and has voted duck in the past two elections,
is scared of peking duck,
lost it's virginity to a duck at 16 after being dared to at a cast party,
does not wear a neck tie,
then most likely the probability of the thing being a duck is high enough to start calling said object "duck".

A conversation with my buddy Mike...

My buddy Mike and I were conversing.. The conversation got onto the topic of the legalizing marijuana issue in Canada and where it's going. Alot of people seem to think that marijuana causes psychoses Mike tells me. I told him that my opinion was that there had to be a problem there in the first place and the drug just makes people feel something different and lose their inhibitions. I also told him that owning a gun causes one to go psycho, so does sharpening a knife, owning a ski mask, and the desire to strangle things.

Why is it that the psychos ruin it for everyone? Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Walt Disney and Michael Jackson.. It's getting so that i can't even have children sleep in my bed anymore!

If you get the chance...

I can't stand people who type stupid chat type. lyk ur hanz kant faking wrk. AnD d STop1d youse O#f $ymblz 4 L3t3r$. @$$3$ + @$$}-{0|_3z. Why do i keep hating the players and not the game? Bloggin, much like pimpin, ain't easy. Jedishadow isn't written in stoopid type by the way. Check out Jedishadow blog. Not the most impressive Jedi but apparently a self-professed one. These aren't the blogs you're looking for, move along. Make sure you check out Master Yoda's blog. It's the funniest thing i've seen around.

Quote

Today's quote... not that this'll be a daily thing but it's just today's quote:
"Life is a marathon and not a sprint." -pretty much everyone that's been interviewed in the past six months
Life is a marathon and not a sprint, except for you hard and fast living babies. Live free or die, that's what i say.

The price of food...

So there i was loading my goods onto the conveyor belt. milk, juice, eggs, meat, bread, cheese, cereal, tomatoes, potatos, a sack of salad... I had a hard time putting the basket away cause the one undereath it had the handles up and it was covered in some sticky substance, probably some kid eating sticky candy and then manhandling the handle... I left the pile of baskets and scooched in front of the cashier. I looked at the screen "Forty dollars!" "holy shitballs" i muttered to myself. I pulled out two twentys from my old worn brown leather wallet and gave it to the cashier one at a time to make sure that i didn't give out more than i needed too. The sticky material that had transferred onto my hand made it hard to rub the bills though, so it seemed like i just didn't want to let go or that i was trying to read and understand "20". The line behind me shuffled in the first prickles of impatience. I smiled a big hearty smile at the cashier and put the money in her outstretched hands with a proud look. As she turned to the register i looked down at her name tag. Kyandrey. What the hell kinda name is Kyandrey... She turned around with my receipt. I quickly snapped my eyes up to hers and looked like a dear caught in headlights. Her face began the first steps of a sour grimace but then she remembered that i was the customer. "You have two ys in your name," I tried appeasement with charm. She looked at me slightly disgusted. "They look like flux capacitors...". Puzzled disgust. "From back to the future..". "Are you retarded?" "....no....."

The joys of gatekeepers...

Have you noticed trends on blogs? where the same information or quotes seem to come up on different blogs? I'm sure it can all be explained in some fromula or behavioural terms. But it makes me feel nice. Like Noam Chomsky burning books nice.

From my perch on high...

Saturday! YEAY! all the jerks come out tonight!!! HUZZAH!!
And i've already espied a group of asses...
Please! Allow me the pleasure of conveying:
A group of boys who are apparently hard up( you can judge me cause you didn't see the girls), try impressing a couple of girls with their enthusiastic attentions. The girls (both platinum blondes[ i could tell cause their roots were dark] with perms or the 21st century equivalent, you know what i mean, that slightly curly wet dirty looking hair.. but i digress: they were both dressed in black sleeveless tshirts with glittery one word mottos on the front stating their willingness or their ability. They both had on the 21st century equivalent of stone washed jeans.) weren't too impressed. The boys(dressed like your average joe schmo who does his shopping in malls and wears what they wear on tv. baggy khaki shorts with polo type shirts in clashing colors with those little socks that only come up under the ankle with white tennis shoes, and that describes the group.) took offense to the aloofity of the girls... aloofity, thank you. So one of the more hard up boys sends a badly toned, badly expressed remark to the girls. This , of course being an unacceptably high amount of public dissing, sent the girls into high pitched retorts of "you ain't even hot an you be fron'in stupi!". And now for the icing on the cake, with some context of course: I don't think that i have an exceptional aptitude over others of being able to tell some people's ethnic background. But if you ask my friends they'll say that i do. So anyways, the group of boys were (i'd say) of an Italian descent, they didn't speak with a discernable accent, at least not one i noticed. And the icing you ask? here it is: The girls (i think it was the first salient thing that bubbled up in their collective "disback" vernacular) yelled over their shoulders: "Go back to your own country!"
And this sent me into a wild gaggle fit! I jumped out of my chair and hooted and hollered(to my indignation[i can admit it now]) and laughed as heartily as i could out my window(this speaks wonders for my social stature: laughing out a window at people socializing on a saturday night). I pictured myself as some deranged gargoyle meting out social justice with "i know what you said was something that could only have escaped an idiot!" barbs of laughter. I laughed heartily. And they just scattered, the beauty and joy of the moment having passed them by like a disturbing scent on a breeze.

p.s if you read the hot summer nights in manchester post down below you'll get a better understanding about why i'm like this..................

If i were a survivalist....

If i were a survivalist i would own a plot of land out in the middle of the midwest. or maybe even somewhere tucked away in the south. It would probably be a ranch of some sort that i could ride my horsey around on and camp out on. I'd have a small garden to plant taters, maters, beans, greens, tobaccy and of course marihwuana... My domicile would be a log cabin. one story spread out. i'd have a couple of bedrooms and bathrooms and a big airy kitchen. a living room with a tv(for video games, no cable or satellite cause the media is meant to brainwash). I'd have a big study with a fire place and lots and lots of shelves for my old books(the kind of books that the government and book corporations haven't had a chance to edit). I'd have my one story ranch set up like a sheik's palace in alhambra or granada. with thick old persian carpets and cushions and hanging tapestries and incense burners and hookahs galore. The only chairs i'd own would be a rocking chair on the porch to shoot varmints and chairs to go with my viking dining table. It would be long enough to host feasts of historical grandeur. I'd have a basement stocked with guns. Old ancient antiques from spanish arqabuses to berber jazairs to flintlocks and matchlocks and what not locks. pistols and rifles and muskets galore. I'd also have a section dedicated to newer arms of incredible technological ingenuity. like the browning .45 the k98, ak47, m1 garand, hkg33, ar15 and various other works. I'd go out on my horsey and camp out and eat my veggies and varmints and shoot old tin cans... ah the life of a stylish survivalist with expensive tastes. she's the one for moi.

It's funny...

people always want to know why you don't believe in God. they never want to know why someone else believes in god. it's like some kind of private joke. Jains view life as sacred. Christians view life as sacred. Jews, Muslims too. but so many deaths caused by people kiling in the name of God. Christians in Ireland, Jews in Palestine, Muslims in Israel. Thou shalt not kill. some people argue that what God meant to say was that thou shalt not commit murder. but that killing in war or to defend ideals/country/etc. is fine. every bible i've read said Thou shalt not kill. maybe thou was a popular name back then. Not to poke fun, i just find it funny. i question when i am struck with awe and wonderment. sunrise, blue skies, lightning, stars, waterfalls, fish, grains in wood. but then i see the death and dying, murder, killing, sadness, exploitation, gold, greed. has God done more good than bad? to say that those are Satan's/evil working is to say that God can't or won't change it. so has god done more good than bad? well then it wouldn't make any sense to live in a world without evil, or darkness, because without those good and light couldn't exist. so then God has logic? and reasoning? and must exist in a state of balance? therefore he is not omnipotent. Something outside of God causes him to live by it's rules? Have a little faith and believe... in which God? by believing I validate the opposite in that spectrum. In believing i validate the believers of Satan as part of that sytem/value set. Am i arrogant enough to believe that my faith validates one God over another God? just the different sects alone: Baptist, Shia, Unitarian, Protestant, Catholic, Ismaili, Jesuit, Sunni, Hassidem, and so on ad infinitum. someone once told me that i won't see my grandmother in heaven cause she wasn't a certain sect of a certain religion. So be it. I'll be the last man out of Hell.

My take on the subject...

From what i've glossed over in the past while:
The Illuminati are plotting to cause a major dying out of humans (approximately 99.5% of the population). They are doing this so that the offspring of the 13 bloodlines can live in grand immortality. How you say? With nanotechnology of course! How else? Imagine a whole world to yourself. Young, free, and immortal... Doing whatever and whomever you like. Rest assured, when it does happen i'm going take as many of you bastards out with me... whilst partying like it's 1999. And by you bastards I mean the common folk; and not the chosen few of the enlightened brotherhood... and sisterhood too i guess. But i don't think that that does really matter if you are immortal... even though i don't swing that way... Not that there's anything wrong with it, or that i wouldn't want to. Cause i'm pretty stylish and have a great fashion sense.... But i like my milk from the cow's udder, if you catch my drift...

Notice that flag button?

I'VE BEEN FLAGGING EVERYONE!

I'm a poet and i didn't even realize that...

A dark horizon rages,
old books with sweet smelling spines,

meetings with poets in sagesse,
bottle of red aged chianti.

Light horizon burning,
pages kept folded,
i long for you with a deep want,
bleu cheese blue.

High noon full moon,
soft rough cut pulp,
i'll join you shortly,
this last tumbler i'll swallow.

-
A dark horizon rages,
old books with scented pages,
meetings with poets and sages,
an old bottle of ages.

Light horizon burning,
pages kept turning,
I long with deep yearning,
taste bleu burning.

High noon full moon,
soft cut pulped wood,
to you i'll be soon,
my last drink drunk good.

-
A dark horizon rages,
old books with rotted spines,
meetings of poets and sages,
a bottle of rancid wine.

Light horizon burning,
pages kept folded,
i long for deep yearning,
rotted cheese molded.

High noon full moon,
soft rough cut pulp,
I'll join you soon,
this glass i gulp.


i just didn't feel like rhyming at first but then i wanted to see rhymes, and then different rhymes.

It's absolutely frikin' amazing...

It slaps me idiotic that so many people write about stuff they don't know or understand. So many people generalize and write such dumb things that it really amazes me. Is empathy and compassion and understanding dead? Does no one investigate anything anymore? And by investigate i mean the most basic looking up of something. Apparently everyone knows everything and the simple act of publishing it online makes it the truth. But alas, i am getting myself worked up about nothing. It is only blogging after all. It's a shame how the mainstream media have given credibility to these things. Anyone can publish anything (stupid anecdotes, hilarious jokes, number tricks, useless questions about super powers).
The flip side to this is that people can express their opinions. Which is very good. But opinions are not the truth. But i have to find out the definition of truth first.
I guess it's true what they say about opinions. What i'm trying to say that it's a shame that everyone knows everything and that they are so eager to post the truth, where it's just a sad pathetic opinion masquerading as a half-truth. So eager to post the truth where they don't even understand what's going on. Just vomiting up tidbits they heard somewhere sometime. And in the process digesting it a little bit to suck out whatever useful piece of info they can get out of it to suit their need. The curse of the bell shaped curve. So much garbage and junk until you start getting into the 70% range. I guess i should just be thankful to the choice few out there who do good.

Super choices...

A question has plagued me for ages. I've always wondered what other people thought about it. And here she is:
If you could choose one of the following super powers which one would it be?
1. Invisibility
2. The ability to pass through objects (walls, floors, frilly clothing...)
3. The ability to fly (without flapping your arms)
4. The ability to stop or slow down time
5. The ability to read people's minds
6. The ability to control people's minds
7. The ability to think up any object you wanted (one hundred billion dollars...)

I would personally go for the flying ability. I think i would enjoy that one the most. Although the others are quite enticing. I'd love to be able to sneak up on people and scare the living wind out of them and play horrid pranks whilst remaining unperceived. I'd also love to be able to conjure up whatever i wanted just by thinking it (sandwich). The slowing down of time would be fun too. Having my enemies suddenly denuded in public tickles my spine, let alone my enemies girlfriends.... Muuuaaaahhh!! But I think i'd enjoy flying the most. I could go anywhere i wanted! Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Lubbock Texas! No place would be safe!!! Of course i think i'd only choose this power if it were on the condition that i didn't have to flap my arms... I think i'll add that condition now. Good good.

My friend Karim from Guinea Conakry

When i worked in the GSO i had a friend named Karim Diallo from Guinea. He was older than i was. We shared an office with another fellow by the name of Diagana Ibrahim. Anyways one day we got to discussing the world and i found out that Karim didn't know that the world was round. I explained it to him as best as i could using a map which i rolled into a tube. I explained that the world had ice caps and that Earth has an atmosphere outside of which exists space. He thought that if you climbed up high enough you would get to the first level of heaven. I think he got the gist of what i was telling him. But i've looked back on that day and i don't think that it really mattered. If it was space or heaven, whether the world was round or flat. I knew that there were formulas and tests to prove that the world is round and that space exists. But i don't think it really mattered. Unfortunately he died after I left and i hope he's managed to climb up into his heaven.

Blazing Saddles and what nots...

To quote Lily Von Shtupp..
"Here i stand the goddess of desire,
set men on fire,
i have this power..."

To quote Victor Frankenstein
"I'm not partial to desserts myself but this schwartzvelderkirschtorte...."

I used to draw a lot of fat cat pictures. I thought they were fun and funny. I used to draw them with roundesque bodies, with lots of body hair. Wearing heavy gold chains and little speedos. I thought that this was what fat cats should look like. I had a fat cat named Norm. He was cool. Not like a cool pet or cool whatever. He was cool in the sense that if we were having a party Normie would just chill out. Chilax as they say. Hang out and greet the guests. Git hah! Sippin on ginny goose. And what not.
I was a pyro maniac as a kid. I once read that one of the behavioral patterns of a sociopath as a child is an infatuation with fire and a desire to torture animals. I just liked fire crackers and burning stuff. I once made a detonator out of an electrical wire that i had pulled off a lamp. It was pretty cool but it would trip the circuit breaker for the whole apartment building everytime i set something off, so my dad just showed me how to click it back on. I used to break off the tips of bottle rockets so that they wouldn't explode and go up on my roof and shoot them at the neighbourhood kids for shits and giggles(they were my friends and enjoyed our little games.) sometimes i would leave the tips on and scare them shitless. My mom didn't think that this game was good. In fact i got a good "telling off". It's amazing how much fun one can get from things that blow up...
I've had to grow out of that phase of my life.. tsk tsk. What with the current global situation i don't think people would enjoy socially inappropriate fireworks expositions...

I remember the first time i was ever exposed to the idea of cool. It was during the sixth grade in east falls church virginia. I had walked into my first gym class with my socks pulled all the way up and I remember people were chuckling. A boy by the name of Eddie of Asian descent(that was his ethnicity, the Asian part and not part of his name,) showed me how to fold my socks back on themselves to make them look cool. I still do that.
It's weird how stuff comes around again. Like how wearing your backpack on both shoulders was uncool but then cool. And bell bottoms and hipsters and all that jive. I think i've officially lost touch with cool. The music that i like is considered classic now. And the way I talk doesn't exactly scream out "street cred!". Oh well. I guess the best i can do is trip the light fantastic and keep on trucking. Ya dig? Word! honky cracker! Actually i don't really talk like that.

Mother tongue

Sayings according to my mom:
"Cut me some slacks!"
sure mom what size do you wear?
"Give me a piece of my mind!"
Lobotomy? I've always dreamed...
"It's a doggy dog world out there."
Fo shizzle my mizzle.
"I've got some tricks on my sleeve!"
as long as they aren't up your sleeve...
"Leila gets married and it's Fatima who shaves!"
an ancient Persian proverb...
"J'aime les caquettes!"
on being told that caquettes means potatoes.
These are just the most recent few used, every day seems to bring more wonderful sayings that melange English and Arabic and French and Persian and Turkish and Tagalog. I'll try and get some more on.

my short lived fantasy...

Today i dun went and sawr a baseball game. It was fun. Around the bottom of the second inning i was trying to think up ways that i could spend my working hours watching baseball. Umpirology is too technical. I wouldn't make a living playing for money. Vending items wouldn't be my cup of tea, especially if i worked on commision. The only valable idea i had was that it was time to make ball boys a little more adult. Bring some sophistication and charisma to their field of expertise. It was time for ballmen... That would be great. Watching baseball and working... By around the middle of the seventh i scrapped the whole working in a baseball related job. And it really does look like a Masonic seal when you imagine looking down on it. G

To whom

I would like to remind you of our agreement. One package of baked goods for one blog entry. No baked goods, no blog entry. I'm unaware, nor have I been enlightened, of your current schedule, so I have been patient. But my patience can only take so much. My lawyers have informed me that our agreement would hold up in a civil case. I didn't want to have to take these actions but my tummy grumbles for want of cookies and brownies and cakes... I know that you are busy so i'll make this short and because I know that the french horny is watching. No goodies, no bloggies. It's easy as pie.
Thank you for your consideration and I hope that you take action, before I am forced to.
Sincerely,
Your sugar-cookie,
Al

is it just me...

or does it seem that people who were involved in the vote counting are now getting their rewards?

no big deal, at least it's all in my head...

can you * believe this horse *?

I just deleted some * that i was *ing working on for a whole hour... It was really choice shit too.

I think i've made too many enemies on here....

I've written comments on many different pages and i think that i've made a whole bunch of new enemies.. Well there are alot of misleading opinions and misinformation blogs out there... Like one guys blog was just hate about Malays, he called them rodents, boy was he an ass. I told him that he was wrong with his usage of the term "creme de la creme", he thought it meant the worst but it is actually the opposite... I guess he don't like cream.. And there was another site where a guy was doing his version of the news. Unfortunately he had some wrong information on there and i corrected him. I don't think i'll be hearing from him any time soon. Opinions are good, very very very good. I enjoy hearing different opinions, but of course if you're going to put what you claim to be facts out into public domain then you have to accept the idea that when you are wrong, someone is going to correct you. For example: say that you dislike a group of people called chickenboners, you can publish your opinions on them all you like(in my opinion). "All they do is eat chicken bones", "All they do is play with chickenbones" etc. but of course if you state that chickenboners are from northeastern chickenbonia whereas they are actually from southern lambchopistan then prepare to be corrected. And don't take it to heart, you were wrong in the first place anyways.

I'd like to buy the world a coke...

When was the last time you heard these sentiments expressed by someone on the executive board of the coca cola corporation? Cause they sure as hell can afford to do it. Not that i'm a communist or anything but why make me buy the world cokes when i can't even afford a pepsi? Who wants a pepsi anyways? Too damned sweet without any kick. I might as well just suck maple syrup straight from the bottle...while wearing sunglasses.... cause pepsi is darker than maple syrup... I used to not drink or ingest or freebase caffeine. I used to use it for special occaisons, where i would drink gallons of iced coffee at a time to see what would happen. But about a year ago I started drinking energy drinks. I've tried different ones, i usually buy them according to the weirdness of ingredients and where the caffeine is listed in the ingredients blurb. I recently drank two cups of coffee in a row(and by recently i'm speaking in geological terms), boy was i buzzing like a cross-eyed pirate on a booty binge. I was irritated and jumpy to the point of conversing on subjects that i hadn't the faintest clue on. Engaging in discourse as though the validation of my being depended on it. I could tell people were starting to look at me with squinty eyes, as if to say "I know you're bullshitin' me, and i don't like your jittery quirks or the way you can't keep eye contact". And by God's holy trousers they were right! I was bullshitin' them, but what else could i have done? The moral of the story: if you are going to make small talk with someone that has just taken two loads of steaming hot caffeine for the first time in years, don't expect your conversation to be lucid and truthful.

just another physics based joke...

did you hear the one about the impotent, dyslexic, insomniac physicist who sat up late nights worrying about hadrons?

just another manic monday, just another hot fudge sundae

My best friend Jackman. We met in high school and have had many adventures since. But he lives in Ottawa now and i'm trying to convince him to come down here, but he's too busy "being part of the establishment", "living under the thumb of big brother" "Working for his father's holistic healing center"... but anyways. He's a cool cat. We started smoking together. We were walking back to my home after having hung out down town, i'm sure we were doing something assinine.. and lo and behold we walked past a pair of smokes on the ground. He didn't notice them but i eagerly persuaded him to go back and get them. They were women's cigarettes, long and thin, slender and sensual, and menthol. We promised to smoke them on our way to school the next day. And so i did mine, and he did his i think. Man was that a kick in the pants. Getting all dizzy on my way to school, minty.... He's quit smoking and so have i. I think it's very gross now, i'm glad to have my sense of smell and taste back. And whenever i smell someone who smokes i think "wow, i stank like that before". Nope! no more filthy smokes for me! nuthin but chaw! I carry around a bottle half filled with warm spit. The bottle is clear too so that everyone can see how macho i am and how much saliva i can spit. Just kidding. I'd start chewing tobacco as soon as i start drinking the spit shit. Nope, nothing but auto-erotic asphyxiation for me.. good ole a.e.a... Norm Macdonald was from Ottawa. There was another time with Jackman when(off the smoking and asphyxiation track now) we had dined at KFC and went downtown and on our way back i gave as good as i got back to kfc. I pity the poor bastard who had to clean that. Minimum wage working in a hot greasy semi-restaurant where everyone treats you like a ladder to climb to get to sweet sweet chicken, and at the end of the day you have to go out back and clean up some stupid kids idea of hilariously poetic justice. Stupid hobbitses.

exercise in futility

If one is to expect the unexpected, shouldn't they expect the expected? Since that would be the most unexpected thing to expect.
My mom likes to say "Stupid Hobbitses" like smeagle. She thinks he's cute, i was kinda scared of him(even though i am a grown man who understands that the tv can't hurt me...physically at least). I'm scared of smeagle cause i was bed ridden on an occaison with a recurrence of malaria, peaking on the anti-malarial drugs i had consumed unrecreationally. I didn't do much but read, which wasn't exactly the best thing to do in my state of mind. That is when i bred my fear of smeagle, and also when i thought i was absolutely insane from having read The Brothers Karamzov by Dostoevsky... Hallucinogenics and classic literature don't mix.

Thoughts on God...

I'm an atheist, or a practicing agnostic at the most(if i were Job, i'd be asking not why have you forsaken me, but have you forsaken me...). I do enjoy talking and thinking and reading about religions and God(s). I've got a question that's been buzzing around for a while, and it is this: Why does God test us.
If you believe that God is omnipotent and omniscient then nothing can exist out of his sphere of influence. In that case, evil exist in the sphere of God. If God is omnipotent and omniscient then he created and has influence over everything in his sphere. Therefore he created evil and has control over it. Why would God create evil? He created evil so that good could exist (Because there can be no good without evil). Why should good exist? So that we may have free will. Why do we need free will? So God can test us? Not really sure where it goes from there... Maybe if God is testing us he only wants those who are good. But it really shouldn't matter since everything is within his sphere, and God has control over it. But alas, i'm an atheist.

For enthusiastic men suffering from ED

I've seen quite a few commercials now for pills that help with erectile dysfunction. Onguents and ointments from mendicants.. but anyways.
A couple of them warn the user of "erections lasting more than 4 hours"....
and here's my impression of how a man would deal with it...
"Oh yeah babe that's it... mmm... yeah... daddy like... that's it... oh god yeah... look me in the eye! Yeah like that.. mm.. damn babe.. yeah....now get on your back.. yesssssss.... my little mango.. you like that don't you? Hmmmmm... Yes, daddy like daddy like... Turn it to the side, no the other side.. yes that's it... Okay well it's been three hours and fifty nine minutes, I think you should call the ambulance now."
Thank you..

We be bloggin!

Word to yo muthas.
When i was a little boy i had a spiderman costume(red and blue) and it came with a hood and mask!
I was wearing it one day, i don't remember the occaison, maybe there wasn't one. My friends(i think they were my cousins, but i can't remember if it were thems or not) and I were going to the park, accompanied by an adult female.
On our way to the park i remember eye-balling a vendor's stand, he was selling weird magical drinks with cool colors and some of them had stuff floating in it. Chunks of goodness i would assume.
When we were at the edge of the park my friends and i spontaneously worked ourselves into an impromptu tag session.
"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME!!!!" I yelled over my shoulder running at full tilt.
I turned my face around to the front just in time to run smack dab into a tree trunk.
I passed out or was fazed or fell back on my ass or something, because i lose the train of thought.
Then i stood up with everyone laughing and continuing on our game of tag. I think i might have cried but i don't remember being sad.
So much for my spidey senses...

No noose is good noose..

So then, anyone know anything good? Conspiracy theories? Good Video games? Good books? Good music? It's funny how i've met alot of people who are into conspiracy theories and believe them to be true. I guess it just shows their dissatisfaction with the way their world is going and they want to believe that there is some force that is actively destroying the way things are. But then again there are some interesting ones out there... i guess they should technically be called conspiracy hypotheses and not theories... but anyways...
I can't wait for PS3 to come out! i hear it's coming august 2006! Huzzah!
Anyone read the Wandering Jew by Eugene Sue? You can download it from the project gutenberg site. It seems interesting...
anyways my sweet little darlings, i've got to go eat...
Love,
Al

You eeeediot!!! You're trying to keeeel me!

It rolls down stairs
it's better in pairs
it runs over your neighbours dog
it's good for boys
it's good for girls
it's blog blog blog!

It's blo-og
It's blo-og
it's better than bad, it's good!

It's blo-og
It's blo-og
Everyone loves a blog!
Trala la la la la!

Two pilgrims, on a pilgrimage, pilgrimate to a mountain upon which a holy man is seated.
They climb to the top of the holy mount(i'm assuming the mount was holy cause there was a holy man atop it, and holy men normally wouldn't be on top of unholy mounts...but i digress) and meet with the aforementioned holy man. The holy man tells the two pilgrims to climb back down to the base of the mountain, i guess descend would be a better word. Anyways he tells them to go back down and to collect a rock and bring it back up to him as a sign of their devotion. The two pilgrims descend from the mount and search out rocks. One finds a massive boulder, "I ain't no sissyphus!" and so he rolls the boulder up the mountain. The other guy finds a pebble and puts it into his pocket and ascends.

"Behold devoted pilgrims! To reward you for your hard work and devotion to my holiness i shall change your rocks into bread! That you may feast!" and lo and behold he did. And they ate. One in quick chew and the other in an all out orgy of crusty delicious bread.

After the fest, the holy man set up a meeting with the pilgrims again, "Bring forth more rocks from the base of this holy mount!"

And so the pilgrims did. They unclimbed the mountain and searched about in the the plain below. "I'm already stuffed as it is, and i've got enough bread to last me til wednesday" said the pilgrim of the big boulder.

"I'm going to find me the biggest piece of rock that isn't considered a geographic landmark and i'm going to set it before that holy man that he may know my devotion and that i may sell bread for years to come!" said the pilgrim of the little mouthful.

And so they started back up the mountain. One arriving weeks before the other waiting and eating the remainder of his bread, discovering new ways of eating and enjoying the bread.
The pilgrim of the little mouthful finally arrived atop the mount and both pilgrims went to see the holy man.

"These rocks of devotion which you have brought before me i shall not transmogrify into anything, you shall however shove them up your asses to teach you humility."

And so they did, one being infinitely more humble than the other, whilst the other being infinitely more thankful.

jerks... i should know...

it's amazing how advertising creeps into everything... since there is no direct correlation between sales and advertising...

Hot summer nights high above manchester...

It's like clockwork.. It begins after work hours on thursday, when the real hardcores come out. It comes and goes in waves. The dinner hour when most the families are out, the friends meeting(mostly girls of college age and usually in pairs). Then it's the start of the drinking socializing when the older peoples who smoke cigars and hang out on patios of bars. Thinking e-commerce and logistics and profit margins and absolutely positively getting it there over night. Like new age samurai, loyalty to their lord printed on the cards or in fine embroidery over the breast of their shirts. Their wives made up and smelling nice. Then the serious people come out. Gaggles of young ladies.... dressed unlike young ladies... not looking for love just having a good time. The duos and trios of boys out on the prowl eyeing them like forcing a connection, excreting enzymes to catalyze a reaction. The hormones kick in as they leave by the dark of the heart of night. Yelling, posturing, puffing out. Threatening gestures and volume, but never violent action. Always just posturing, and yelling, and one-up manship. Trying to keep me from my sleep. Then of course, as always, those who leave the parties last. BIKERS. Gleaming cycles chromed to clinical sheens. Pipes of doom revving engine machines. Old ladies a-hootin and a-hollerin as the throbbing veiny rumble reverberates off the urban canyons, echoing up to the fifth floor acroos the carpet and into my ear. Another hot summer night shut in above manchester...

I haven't found anything that this applies too...

here's a little number trick that i came up with a while back... I'm not sure what it applies to and i haven't seen anyone else mention it but if you know anything let me know!
There are only four numbers(in english) with four letters in their name: 4, 5, 9, 0
45 is half of 90, 49 comes before 50, 5 X 9 is 45, the sum of the numbers from 0-9 are 45, 5+4 is equal to 9+0, and 9-4 is equal to 5-0,
I don't know what it applies to if anything and it only works in english. I don't know much about numerology but someone who was familiar with the kabalah said that 9 is a base number or a foundation number.... which i didn't really understand.
anyways, i'd appreciate any sort of feedback.

Apparently it helps if you have a gap betwixt your teeth...

I've been trying to learn how to play the ney. It's a reed instrument used in the middle east. It's just a hollow reed with holes burned into it but the sound is incredible. It sounds like a long wistful sigh. Apparently Rumi played it... not that i'm putting myself in Rumi's company, but it helps you understand how it would sound. From what i've read and heard it takes at least a year just to play a note on it. I've come close, i can produce sounds, but i don't think what i made would classify as a note to anyone. When i first got that sound it was so exciting. I've quit smoking... partially so that i can blow wind through the blasted instrument for a little longer than just short spasmadic heaves of smokers cough... but anyways: I'll just keep a-tootin' on it and hopefully the music will work itself out.

Post the first.

Hello anyone who should happen to stumble across these pages in the back end of these blogs. Thanks for exploring! Today is August the.... fifth, august 5, 05. I've always meant to write down some thoughts but never really took the first step. I hope i can post enough stuff to make it somewhat interesting. Anyways, to the posts!